"You'd think she would've learned her lesson all those years ago when that man raped and nearly killed her."
All those years ago.
I was young. I don't remember how young I was exactly, but I do remember. I remember hearing the news and then seeing her for the first time. I remember her being bruised and battered. I remember the black eye and marks around her neck. I remember that she couldn't talk for weeks because he'd nearly crushed her windpipe in an effort to keep anyone from hearing her screams.
But in all these years, I'd thought that she'd only been beaten. I never knew that she had been raped that night. And I was way too young to ask to even suspect. But yesterday, in the back seat of a Nissan Altima, on my way to celebrate my grandmother's 85th birthday, a deep sadness began to well up in me as well as complete shock from the utter lack of compassion from the other three women in the car.
And at three in the morning, lying in my bed, unable to fall back asleep, I wondered how we ever got here. How we exist in this
Rape Culture where victims of rape and sexual assault are held at least partially responsible for being attacked. They are put on trial and questioned about their sexual history, about what they were wearing, what time of night it was, and how much they'd had to drink. And these questions and the answers are used as a means to justify the crime.
And I wondered how so many women had bought into it. But I guess it makes sense. If we as women can find fault in the actions of the woman who was raped, then we are able to build up this false sense of security. It makes us feel safer. More protected, because we would be careful not to be so "naive" or make the same "foolish" and "stupid" mistakes.
But the moment we begin to shift the blame and place fault on the rapist instead of the victim, our wall of protection begins to develop holes. All of a sudden, it doesn't matter if it's broad day light, you're wearing a turtleneck with a skirt that reaches your ankles, and you've never had a drink in your life. None of that matters when we acknowledge that it is NEVER a woman's actions that result in being raped, but instead, it has everything to do with the rapist and the beliefs, ideas, and forces that drive the evil behavior.
I am 24 years old. I am a woman. And one of my biggest, most deeply rooted fears has always been being raped. It's part of the reason why I didn't mind being 350lbs. I used to believe that being 200lbs overweight somehow protected me. That it placed me in the un-rapable category because only really pretty, thin girls got raped and who would ever want me??
But rape isn't about sex or physical attraction. It's about power and control. And excess weight doesn't deter rapists or outweigh their desire to take and dominate. And I've had to remind myself of that as I continue on this journey of getting to a much healthier size. But I will not hide anymore. God created me female. And I want to live my life fully embracing everything He created me to be without living in fear that being a woman makes me a target and puts me at risk.
So, in the words of Andrea Gibson, a very talented spoken word poet, the questions should not be "what are we going to tell our daughters?" but "what are we going to teach our sons?"
Please Note: 1. Women are NOT the only ones who are and have been raped. Men are and have also been the victims of rape. 2. Not all rapists are men. Women are also very capable of rape and have been the perpetrators of such crimes.
